Thursday, October 29, 2009

Now.. the Lung!

So, I thought everything was going to be fine..

And it has been a very very long time since I update myself and share this with others. Not that I've been keeping up to myself, but too many things going on and.. well, let's face the ugly truth. And I don't even know where to start.. Man, do I need to start writing again!

My lungs has just got worse that now I'm in bed and haven't been on work for almost 4 months. Financially broke, emotionally not happy, and I really depend on lots of people right now which I don't like at all knowing that I've always been independent from A to Z.

It all started at school when I suddenly had my very first vertigo. I thought I had brain wreck there and I was rushed in to the hospital from school. I did make my mom and the rest of the world panic, so we checked first with brain scan. Luckily: brain was okay. So, we checked for other things as well. Colon, clear. Ovary, clear. Lungs, NOT CLEAR!
The spots on my lungs were a lot!
So, what then? 
Of course: Singapore.
And of course another trip for chemotherapy, which I hate, but I have no choice.
My poor lungs was covered with the spots that I need more oxygen. No wonder I've been catching up with my breath lately. 

So far, I've been getting 5 chemos already. Was it good? NOOOOOOOOOOOO.... I could only do 3 chemos in Singapore. I cannot afford to go there anymore. Not financially, but physically. I need to carry portable oxygen everywhere I go and I cannot have that in the plane. Actually the plane has it. I just don't like it. Hehehehehe... but apart from that, I couldn't seat straight anymore. After 3 chemos, we decided to continue the rest of the chemos here in Jakarta because of my condition using the same drug. Funny thing, my oncologist said that I should feel the difference after with just 2 chemos. Yes, I did feel the difference: not getting any better that is. I've becoming weaker and starting not to be able to do activities. WIERD! Even worse, I become more dependent on the usage of oxygen tank! What the hell is going on to me?

Now, I just did the 5th chemo here in Jakarta and we changed the whole drug. It means that the drug I used was not well received by my body, right? Does that make any sense?? My oncologist here said that we should see difference after 2 chemos, which I believe in so much. Let's change the drug and we'll see the difference. Uuuuuuh, look at me fighting! hehehehehhee... 
I took the chemo last week and ... even worse! Or maybe the result is a bit slower and I should just be patient. After all it's just been a week. But I'm weak. 
Cut things short, I came to a decision that all this crap doesn't work anymore so I want to stop the chemo. I don't know whether it's a good decision or not, or maybe even a crazy one. 

I can't even say anything anymore. 

All I've been doing is just praying for miracles.  
At this time around, never let yourself apart from God. 
God loves us so much that any simple things even complicated one is very magical. And I happen to believe that. I know that He won't let me or anybody down. 
So now, I give up.. well, not really, actually.. I never give up.. I just ask His hand and His way to show me the right way to heal. When I pray to Him and ask Him to show me the way, a part of me feels very light. I feel that some weigh was just lift up and I was happy.
Not that I'm trying to be a new preacher here.. hahahahahahaha... but believe me, I feel very calm compare than before. Not that I don't pray, but this time it is just different. I feel relief. 

Okay, enough of that.. I don't know what to write anymore.. hehehehehehe... 

Be positive
I stay positive
My family and friends are all around me
Believe in God - He does magic and everything with Him is POSSIBLE!!
Be happy - as people say.. :D

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