Just Checking..

After a month of feeling scared with my finger crossed whenever people ask "So, how do you feel?".. After those prayers of need of comfort, bless, and heal.. After the feeling numbness in mind while waiting for another CT Scan.. I finally received my Emmy Award. The hell..??

HAHAHAHA...

It's been a month since my last chemotherapy. I wasn't worry so much during the vacuum weeks until the CT Scan time. All the way from Jakarta to Singapore, I had a feeling that my cancer doesn't go anywhere (or should I say I'm at a Stagnant Stage? where the hell that term comes from..). I went to Singapore a day before my CT Scan. This time I had to beg and drag my sister to come along with me since the trauma of going to Singapore with my mom. Enough is enough! I'm not trying to bad-mouth my own mother, but the last 4 chemos I went with my mom was nothing but a painful trip. Don't ask me why, but I think it has something to do with the closeness between mother and daughter.. and we're VERY NOT CLOSE at all. It's like a Tom & Jerry show - and she should've been lucky that I didn't poison her at all. So, there I was.. beg and drag my sister to accompany me CT Scan and see the doc.

The result of my CT Scan was just like what I thought. It doesn't go anywhere and it stays the same. No improvement, but it doesn't get any worse as well.
Was it a good news?
I think so.. The doctor said it was suppose to be a good news and that I should be happy with the result. I could only sigh when I looked at my CT picture. As usual, my mind went blank and my sister was the one who do the asking and talking - and I could tell the doctor was much happier explaining to my sister than my mother.

Other thing that my onco told me to do was to keep a well-balanced diet. There's no food restriction for me. Eat whatever I want in good portion. The interesting part is that when my sister asked about eating meat. According to my onco: there's no proof that meat causes cancer. Me and my sister were like: ReaLLy??? And my sister told the doc about the article she found about this couple .. the wife had cancer and died because she didn't keep a well-balanced diet (read: she ate meat!), and her husband also had cancer but still alive because he change religion to a vegetarian. And here's an answer that made me and my sister stunned: that person died because of the lack of nutrition. Then he explained in details...

Our body needs the most nutrition we can get. Meaning, not too much of one thing, but enough of everything. There's no proof that meat causes cancer, so you can have some of that, too, once in a while. There's a reason why a cancer patient should eat with well-balanced diet. Imagine this (since I don't know how to put this in nice phrase): Cancer hates veggies and fruits, right? (Well, this is according to what people believe to fight cancer). If we control ourselves by eating veggies and fruits only and becoming a true vegan, the small and annoying cancer cells are more likely to get use to it and more likely to be healthy (because we're feeding them with only veggies). And when the cancer cells eat more of that veggies and fruits, our body will have a deficit of nutrients (note that our body needs various kinds of nutrients so that we can stay strong). Now, if the cancer cells eat our food, then we don't have the food to stay strong. More over, if we're not strong to fight this bloody cancer, we can die.. eventually. And that would be dumb if people die because of lack of nutrients.

My onco also said that a lot of times we hear, "Hey, that person also had chemo, and she died anyway. So, chemo is not that good, right?"

That depends:

What did she/he eats after the chemo?
Just fruits and veggies?

Well, good luck dying with lack of nutrients.

Unfortunately, chemo is the necessary bitch to fight cancer! That's the way my friend, Felicia, put it. And I have to agree to that term.

YES. Chemo is the necessary motha'fucka' bitch to fight cancer.

It sucks, but it works. But if when you're done with chemo and still lack of nutrients, then that settles everything: die.

And the "eating" point that my sister and I understood from the 15 minutes conversation with the onco:

Eat whatever you want and have fun, stay healthy.
Eat everything in moderation and have a balanced portion of everything.

But in my point of view, YEEEEEEHAAAAAAA...! Party on!! This is the time where we should watch and see by consuming the right food.
And what I do to myself is ...
I still drink that Starbucks Caramel Frappucino.. once every 4 months, and only if someone buys it for me.
I still eat spicy Indonesian food.. Unfortunately, spicy food does prevent cancer, believe it or not.
I still sip nice cold soda.. Never finish the whole thing. A sip or two would do just fine.
and.. ALWAYS include the greens and the colorful fruits in any meal.

As for me, I still choose to be a moderate vegan. I splurge myself with whatever I like on a month of my family birthday. Say, this month we have 3 celebrations: my birthday, Christmas, and my brother's birthday. That means I have to choose 1 day that I can eat whatever I want (and that's suppose to be my birthday, tho..).
It's much more exciting for me this way and I still live a good life..


ps: Thanks mbak DDQ and mas Ray for the company to the hospital. Love you both and you guys rock.!! God Bless You.

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Dug.. Dug.. Dug..

Another CT Scan to be done on Friday.. means.. another "heart-gym" for me.
What the hell is that doctor is going to tell me this time?
"Hey.. no more cancer there.. but, wait.. what the hell have been inhaling for the past 1 month!"

Tell you the truth, I'm not that excited to go. But that doesn't mean that I'm giving up in this crazy battle of cancer. If you imagine a soldier, that poor soldier with a bullet-proof jacket is standing with no excitement, holding to a pole, and ready to be shot. I know that if I'm not going, my Oliver is just going to ship my butt off to the plane.

Even today, I haven't told my so-called assistant that I'm going to be at school half-day on Thursday and off on Friday. This assistant story is actually quiet funny. He (yes, my assistant is a male) is actually quiet .. well, how do I put this in a nice word..

Well, here's to start..
He's been in my library since August. Actually, he was relocated from Elementary to Junior High for a reason they (the directors) never told me about. So, I thought, Okey.. cool.. at least he can help me get half of my job done. He's, I have to say, very obedient. Whatever I tell him to do, he'd do it and he'd ask me questions whenever he's unsure of doing things around in the library. And I never treat him like an assistant. Instead, I treat him like a friend. I'm just trying to be nice here, otherwise I'm known to be such an notorious evil human being. And it shows that he really enjoys working with me. I gave him some responsibilities, and sometimes it works just fine.
So, when I went to Singapore about a month a go for my last chemo, I asked him to be in charge of the library while I'm gone. I wrote everything that he needed to pay attention to and whatever needed to be done. I also gave him my Singapore number for emergency. When I was back in the office, everything was fine and, of course, lots of reports from him. He also told me not to leave him alone in the office too long. I don't get what he meant, but I'd say fine.
Now that he's been working with me for 3 months, I noticed that he really can't shut his mouth. He talks ALL THE TIME. There's just always things he asks me and now I know that he's anxious ALL THE TIME. I'm beginning to ask myself: what the fuck is going on with this guy?? For Christ sake, leave me alone! The more questions you ask me, the longer time I need to get this motherfucker work done!
And there are times where I can easily get pissed off of that small things, such as "can I shut down the computer?" Hell, yeah!! It's 4.30 PM and the Library is closed at 4 PM, students left already, and it's in the manual that We Close at 4 PM.
Oh My God!
Now that I know he's like that, this time I'm not telling him that I'll be leaving for Singapore on Thursday. Hahahahaha... And worse, he doesn't even know that I'm not working this Friday. HAHAHAHAHAHA....

Call me a bitch, my ears need a break from his goddamn questions..

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PHEW!

Phew!
Phew!
Phew!

Finally!
That ridiculous Xeloda is gone. I felt so happy when swallowed the last pills this morning.
I have been waiting for this moment for months. Gosh..
Waiting for those pills to finish is like waiting for .. I dunno.. you tell me.

While I was on Xeloda, I have this hideous side effect. I already have sleeping problem even without the Xeloda. It is just a minor side effect, tho, but it was such a pain in the ass. Now that I was reviewing my medication intake and wrote them down while I was enjoying the Friends sitcom (with annoying background of my mom asking me questions that I don't even care), I realized that what I've been going thru for the past 8 months was the less common side effects of Xeloda.
These are what I experienced:
1. Insomnia (yeah.. even worse.. with the sleeping problem I have..)
2. Cough (HAH! double worse with the actual cough)
3. Swelling of the feet
4. Low white blood cell count (which then I had to take the Neupogen injection and nobody could do it right, except my friend Melissa and my cousin's friend, Didit)
5. Taste changes

Luckily, my appetite was still good. When everybody asked me about my appetite, they were just surprise to see me eat just anything - the whole tree if I have to. I myself am quiet surprise to see moi-meme that I have a good appetite. Except that I was just sick of eating steamed veggies. They're just so yuck..

Besides that I had good appetite, I still had my energy. Yes, baby, this crazy Stephanie just have 13 lives (4 more than a cat)!
I still have my busy schedule:
1. working full time at school's library
2. teaching piano after school and on weekends (luckily, my weekend student is a very talented and smart one. So, no harm and happy to do it)
3. working on my own association (which goes nowhere.. hahahaha..)
4. busy with another association
With all of the activities above that I do on daily basis, I still manage to be with my family - especially with my niece and nephew - and friends. Man.. I do have a busy schedule! 24 hours ain't enough for a girl like me.

But tonite.. I couldn't be any happier than to see my Xeloda is finito.
Even though I'm sick of eating veggies and fruits - please, never like them ever since I was small anyway, I am so looking forward to enter a new phase of my life. Especially the food! Yumm... All I have in mind for the past 2 weeks is this yummy salad, fresh juice.. Well, it's not that I didn't eat them at all, but I wonder why am I like this?

Hell with everything!
I'm getting my salad from The Coffee Bean tomorrow afternoon!!
Yeeeehaaaaaaaa....!!!

*toast*
To a new phase of life ...

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Over with Chemo and.. now what..?

So, about a month ago I went for my 7th chemo and CT Scan.
Surprisingly, nothing much happened with my lungs since the last chemo.. It just stays the same..
No improvement, but it's not getting worse as well..
Maybe my body just sick of chemo and it just rejects all kinds of chemical thing.. or not?
MUST BE.. Even I'm getting sick of eating healthy food. Really.
Lately I've been eating whatever food I feel like eating. From pancakes to fried rice, and ice cream to bubble drinks.
This last damn chemo.. I really had to struggle to get out of bed and make myself visible in the chemo room. Damn it was so hard. I just didn't want to do it at all. But I kept thinking: shit, if this isn't for you (Oliver), I won't do it. I would just escape from the hospital and take the very next flight to Jakarta.
Luckily, I managed to sit throughout the whole chemo session and fell asleep - and Ivan was next to me throughout the chemo. With Ivan, YES, we broke up. But it doesn't mean that we can't be friends, right? He's been my Chemo Buddy for Christ sake!
And until this minute, I still manage not so skip pills. The last 2 chemos, I didn't even care taking the pills or not. Sometimes I even did it on purpose.

And now...

Well, November 14th I will have another CT Scan. God forbid.. PLEASEEEEEEE... no more weird spreading.
As my onco said: we just wait and watch.. Dude, you scared the shit out of me.

*sigh*
That's exactly what I'm gonna do now.. WATCH and SEE..
Meanwhile, I'm starting to become a vegan freak again as soon as the Xeloda's finished.

I can't wait!!

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2 More To Go

So not happy with chemo.
I just arrived from Singapore last week and I'm not looking forward to do chemo anymore.

I'm experiencing bitterness on my tongue after this chemo. It just feels uncomfy. More tired and easily annoyed.. it's just different.

What I noticed as well.. Well.. it started from when Ivan, maybe, just jokingly asked for my egg so he and his wify can have a baby. Things went wrong with her egg, that's why. I was so pissed and mad, and, as usual, I never really show it to anyone - including him. I was boiling, tho, for 5 minutes, but that was it. So he thought I was really mad at him - which I did, for 5 minutes. He texted me several days after and I responded as usual but it just seemed different even though I was not mad at him anymore. To cut story short, regardless what happened between us, he was still there for me during chemo - and he got me a really nice DKNY blouse! What saddend me was that we didn't talk much at that day. I usually want him to be near me until the last boarding call in Changi. This time, I couldn't say anything much but to let him go and got in different cab. My mood was not good at all.

What more is, since I'm no mood for taking any chemo, today I completely forgot to take my chemo pills! Good work, Steph..

Count down.. 2 more chemo to go. The doc said that we should see again in 3 weeks time. So, on .. if I'm not mistake.. the 11th of Sept I'll have a CT Scan and have to drink that tasteless pee-water (according to Ivan) and see the doctor. If the CT Scan shows same result as the last CT Scan, then we'll take a break. If the result shows that the spots are fewer, then we'll go on with the chemo 2 more times. Damn it!

Last, on next chemo.. my sister better come with me instead of my mom.

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Where the hell have you been?

Yes, I know it’s been awhile since I write. No news doesn’t mean a not good news, tho. In fact, I’ve been trying to enjoy my life … with my baldness.


I took a month break from chemo. Well, it’s not really a break. After 4 chemotherapies, I decided not to continue anymore. There are actually 8 chemos in all, but I just couldn’t take the side effect of it anymore. Every time after chemo, I always have this unbelievable nausea – even though it’s only just for couple days. So, after the 3rd chemo, I decided the 4th would be the last one.

I even tried to escape from the clinic when I was about to get the 4th one, but Ivan followed me around. So, how could I? Fat chance! I took it anyway, with heavy heart in me. I kept telling Ivan during chemo that that chemo would be the last one and no more after that one. Even the oncologist just had to let me go after the 4th chemo. After 3 weeks (or was that 4?), I came back to the hospital and did some check up, and my mind was set to the decision that I was not going to take chemo anymore. Maybe, in my oncologist’s term that would be giving your body a holiday. I thought, hell with it! I ain’t takin’ it anymore. So, I got out of the hospital happily with my mom and Ivan.

Of course, when I arrived home at Jakarta, I felt so good sleeping without the nausea, diarrhea, and muscle pain. But then, everyone at home was asking me why didn’t I take the chemo. I could only smile and tell them: if only you have cancer and in my position, you bitch. I knew it wasn’t a right decision. Everybody slowly kept telling me to continue with the chemo – even Oliver told me to just finish it. Crap double crap!

So, here I am now.. took the 5th chemo last week, Nausea was hell. It was the first time in my chemo life that I vomited 5 times in a day. But I’m okey now. I’ve gained some weight (please, you don’t wanna know how much I weigh now), back to work as usual, and have been busy with lots of things.

Now, let me concentrate on my new association for professional young adults in their 20s to 30s with cancer: Living with Cancer Society.

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Bald with Bling!

Wednesday, April 16, I've experienced my first hair loss.
I was in between shock and flat feeling. Well, shock first. But then I told my self to calm down, and take a shower. Stupid me, I even washed my hair. Goodness Lord! It was more on my hand.
What the heck.. shower anyway. They day went just fine, till the end of the day at work where I noticed lots of hair on the floor.
I was hoping that the hair loss wouldn't be too severe. But I heard that since I took Oxaliplatin before, and I didn't have any hair loss, so maybe the drug said: Pay Back Time!!
Oh crap..!
Well, at least I already prepared myself. After family picture taking 2 weeks ago, I cut my hair short. In a way I was preparing not only myself, but also friends and family. I thought that they're the one who have to be prepared looking at me with different hairstyle.
So, this short hair last exactly 2 weeks.
Just last Sunday, April 20, I shaved it off. BALD. I was not ready to see bald patches around my head (So as Jace from planetcancer)
I reject wigs. My friends, aunties, even mom told me to wear wig. But I think they look fake. So I decided to wear scarf around my head. Look much better.

My first show of bald with bling to public was yesterday. I wore batik scarf around my head, and it looked good! Too bad I didn't take picture with that thing on my head.

But you know what.. I just noticed that not only the hair on my head that falls out, but also some other parts.. you know what I mean..? hhahaaha.. At least I don't need to do bikini wax for awhile. It's clean on its own! hahahahaha...

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What the hell..?

First, it was colon cancer. I went through it, and on October I was free from it.
Then I got Ovarian cancer. Had the surgery, and I coped with it.
Now, lung cancer.

My goodness!!!

Luckily it was detected early.
Funny thing is that I don't have the symptoms. Really.

Let's fight again now..

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Guess what I tried!
This is just an experiment, try this at your own risk.
It's Fried Vegetarian Soba.
If you ask me how is it taste, it actually taste like feet. Hahaha..
But, it never hurts to try.

Ingredients:
Shallots (chop into small pieces)
Garlic (chop into small pieces)
Onion (cut in half and chop into half circle)
Rosemary leaves
Mushrooms (lots.. lots.. and lots of them, chop to 3 pieces each)
Paprika (use half of it, take out the seeds, and cut into pieces)
Cherri tomato (3 pieces, and cut in half)
Soba (cook it just like you cook spaghetti. 2 minutes in boiling water. Drain and wash it with cold water. Put aside)
1 tbs. Olive Oil or Coconut Oil
Rock salt

1. Cook Shallots, garlic, rosemary leaves with olive oil or coconut oil, preferably coconut oil.
2. Add chopped onion, cook until the color turns a bit golden.
3. Add mushrooms, paprika, cherri tomato.
4. Throw a pinch of rock salt
Once everything smells good, toss in the cooked soba and add a drizzle of the oil.
Mix the in the pan.
Don't over cook.
Ready to serve!

Bon appetit!

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Another Great Salad From The Fridge

Salmon Tossed With Whatever-You-Have

Salad

Get whatever vegetables you have in your frigo.
Shown, I only have:

• Lettuce
• Pineapple
• Cucumber
• Mushroom
• Tomato
• Onion
• Carrot
• Broccoli

Add a bit of fresh smoked salmon.
For dressing: use French Dressing

Amien to that and live healthy and happy

Coming up next: sugar free fruit based dressing

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Photobucket Album

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Places I've Been and Places I'd Love To Go

1. Cannes, France


2. London, England


3. Milan, Italy


4. Venice, Italy


5. Monte-Carlo, Monaco


6. Athens, Greece


7. Singapore, Singapore


8. Kissimmee, FL, USA


9. New York City, NY, USA


10. Aspen, CO, USA


11. Boston, MA, USA


12. Geneva, Switzerland

• Create your own travel map or travel blog


• Visit TripAdvisor.com

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Edamame Rocks!

You know I've been a starter vegetarian for the past 2 weeks, right..? Well, at least I'm trying to be a vegetarian for the sake of my bloody cancer. I never really like veggies and fruits, so I'm just trying to eat fun! What the heck is Eat Fun..? That I dunno. I'm just trying to beat this Satan-called cancer out of my life.
Anyway, while I was looking for a raw, healthy snack in the supermarket, I found Edamame Beans! Yup yup! Edamame Beans. Sometimes it takes time for me to find that I can actually eat such yummy food for snack. So, been munching that Edamame for my snack for the past .. 2 weeks..? I just realized that that is the kind of snack/appetizers they serve in some Japanese restaurant.

Here's something about Edamame from WebMd:

Some people worry that eating edamame isn't good for us because we aren't cooking it very long. They think that the short cooking time does not eliminate the enzyme that inhibits digestion of proteins.

I'm here to tell you, open that bag of shelled edamame! Continue to peel those pods (if you like buying edamame with their shells). In case you haven't come across these mild flavored green soybeans, they are available in the frozen section with or without their shells. They need only brief cooking and are completely different from dried mature soybeans, which must be soaked and cooked until tender. It seems the enzyme that can inhibit protein digestion doesn't even "turn-on" until the bean is completely matured. Plus, edamame beans are blanched right after harvest at high temperatures that inactivate various enzymes that might cause digestive disruption.

Dr. Lester Wilson, University Professor of Food Science and Human Nutrition at Iowa State University, has been quoted as saying that "the frozen edamame available in supermarkets and restaurants has been blanched before freezing and is reheated before serving (usually several minutes in the microwave). This heating inactivates or denatures the SBTI (soy bean trypsin inhibitor) that might otherwise bind with the trypsin enzyme and interfere with protein absorption."

Wilson goes on to explain that, while a tiny amount of trypsin inhibitors may remain, there's not enough to cause any harm. In fact, a tiny amount of trypsin may act as an anti-cancer compound.

Here are my favorite ways to use edamame:

• Add to fried rice (the lower fat version in my book, FRY LIGHT, FRY RIGHT!) instead of peas
• Add to scrambled eggs
• Add to green salad instead of kidney beans <-- I've been eating my edamame like this!
  
• Puree with avocado to make guacamole
• Add to canned or homemade soups
• I like to eat them as a snack by themselves too! <-- See, I told you!
  

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Eat Your Greens! Eeeeewwwww...!!

Ever since I'm on the green, I've been experimenting my own food.
And since I don't eat animal products and processed food (cooked, canned), I ONLY eat raw food (sushi and sashimi are acceptable). Sometimes I do eat cooked food, fried food (not too much..), steamed food. The thing is, I'm trying not to eat any of animal products (including chicken, fish) because they can turns to be a carrion. Even if you cook them, they turn to be a carrion. Why sushi and sashimi are acceptable, that's because even if they can turn to be a carrion they can still be eaten raw. But stop there first!
Here are some other food that I allow myself to eat. Hope it's useful for you (if you wish to be on a diet, that is). Think of it as food for beauty, not for healing cancer.


DO EAT:

• All kinds of vegetables and fruits (no restriction on this, but I don't allow myself to eat the heavenly food: durian). Raw is much better than steam, cooked.. Point is, eat raw! Hey, you can even drink sugarcane juice, too!

• Sushi and sashimi. Je prefere sashimi, tho, because it's raw. And I like salmon sashimi. Salmon gives you lotsa energy. But only consume this raw meat once a week. Your tummy is not an aquarium nor a zoo.

• Spice up your greens. Add soba noodles. Soba is made of wheat. Yes, it's a processed food, but it's the only one you can eat. No starch. Add this to your salad. Just a bit, don't use the soup, tho.
  

• You can eat Tofu and Tempeh (no, duh! of course!!). But you wouldn't want to eat them raw. I like fried tempeh, and I only fried the tempeh with olive oil (if I no choice), but mostly with coconut oil. I don't look at the healthiness aspect. Hee.. hee.. Oops..! But when you cook your food with coconut oil, it smells so damn good. After that, your tempeh will have this crunchy taste. For tofu, ah.. just make soup. Hardly deal with tofu. My mom likes to make tofu soup, whatever-the-heck- tofu. For me, I like tofu with lots of chili. Especially the one from that Korean resto, Soon Dubu Chige. If my tofu doesn't come like that, then forget it.
  

• Your food needs dressing. Naked food just so not hip. Use Italian dressing or French dressing. If you don't have both, use Olive oil. Keep Olive Oil and coconut oil handy. You can use them for cooking and as a salad dressing.
  

• Keep away from milk. Milk is from animals. Substitute milk with Soy Milk. However, you have to pay attention to what kind of soy milk you're getting. Only unsweetened soy milk or soy milk that is made with sugarcane.

• Can eat plain unsweetened yoghurt. Even though they're actually come from milk, they're actually rotten milk which is good for your health. Avoid flavored yoghurt because they contain sugar. I already say bye bye, adios, sayonara to those flavored yoghurt. If you don't like that plain unsweetened yoghurt, mixed them with your favorite fruits. I sometimes mix my plain yucky yoghurt with oat bran. Oat bran is your fibre source and it's made of.. oat. I eat my oat bran with warm soy milk. Taste like feet, but it's better than nothing because any kind of cereal is a no-no. Cereal has lots lots lots of sugar. So, no cereal!

DON'T EAT:

1. Meat - including chicken, fish (except sushi or sashimi). Why? they can turn to be carrion, remember..??
2. Any animal products. Think.. think.. think! That means, no milk, no cake, no ice cream. Well, use your thinking cap, man! Dairy products, eggs.. they're a no-no.
   
3. Starch
4. Bread. Surprise?? Me, too! Bread is processed food. How about wheat bread? Sorry, man. Same thing. Lots of process going on to become bread.
5. Noodles. Say good bye to Top Ramen! You, darling, can only eat soba with restriction.
6. Alcohol drinks
7. Sodas
8. Coffee, tea,
   
9. SUGAR. You really have to read the labels on anything you're about to consume. If it has the word sugar in it, then drop it.
   

Actually, it is easy to remember:

No processed food and drinks,
no animal products,
no sugar.

Here's a glimpse of my first, I call it, half-vegan food.
I call this:

Nina's fresh cancer free salad

You need:

1. Lettuce
2. Tomato
3. Soba (not to soggy after you cook them), and don't use the whole soba from the plastic. 1 plastic soba can last with 10-15 salad.
4. Smoked salmon
5. Eno mushroom. Just a little bit, and fried them with olive oil. After you cook them, drain the oil down until the mushroom gets really really dry.
6. Cucumber

Toss them in a large bowl, and pour olive oil to suit your taste. Add a pinch of black pepper, and you're ready to eat. Keep them in your frigo, and you can have the salad for dinner as well!

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That damn tumor!

Bloody tumor that was trying to kill me!

Dimension:
8 x 16 cm

Date of picture taken:
January 10, 2008

Picture taken by:
Uuuh... I think it was the surgeon

Estimated time of surgery:
4 to 5 hours

Actual time of surgery:
Less than 1 hour

Estimated hospitalization time:
2 weeks

Actual hospitalization time:
3 days

Name of people waiting outside the surgery room:
Ibu Dedeq, Ibu Lesna, Ibu Annie, and my darling, Ivan

My waiting troop
before I went to the Operation Theatre

Human Delivery fresh from the Operation Theatre

So.. what happened after that?

Well, the tumor was somewhere behind the right ovary. Luckily, it did not stick to the ovary.
Phew!
What the docs did : they threw out my right ovary and the eggs from the right ovary. The left ovary is safe. Hallelujah! But to keep me safe - knowing I was so stressed out that I may not be able to bear any children - they keep the eggs from the left ovary. In short they freeze my eggs, and, yes, I'm on my menopause now.

So, how am I going to have children? There are 2 options.
First option: have my eggs planted on other woman's and have that woman pregnant with my eggs and my chosen man's sperm. It's like a surrogate mother. A bit complicated, but I think that's what they meant.
Second option: I could get pregnant again. How? I need to have these hormones injected first so that I can get my menstruation again. After I get my menstruation again, they'll insert my eggs back to me (I dunno how they're going to do it, but they say they can!), and I can get pregnant again. However, that can only happen if I don't take chemotherapy this year. If I take another set of chemotherapy this year, I will have to wait for 5 years in order to get pregnant. Why? Because my body would need 5 years to be clean - including clean from the chemotherapy drugs.
Doesn't really make any difference, huh? Even now I still have to wait for another 4 years to be able to get pregnant since my chemo drugs still flowing in my bloodstream. The effects are still with me: numb hands, feet feels like there are rocks inside, and easily get leg(s) cramp.

And the next plan is..??

I have no idea what's the next plan.. At first I was so eager to get another chemo and deal with bloody tumor as I was sooooooo afraid that there could be some itsy bitsy tumor still spreading here and there, but then I don't even give a shit. Not that I give up on my own life. I just don't want to deal with any more chemo. Imagine if I have to take another set. Another nausea.. another excuse.. bla.. bla.. bla.. mbeeeeek... I'm just sick of it and I'm sure that there's another way to get this shit out of me.
And guess what? THERE IS OTHER WAY OUT. Well, this one is not from my doc in Singapore, tho. The smart guy in S'pore said that I still need to take the chemo. 1 level higher than the one I took plus another so-called magic infusion called Avastin. Hell with it. My other way out is to change my lifestyle. Didn't I do that already..? Yes, I did. But this time I have to switch a little bit. If yesterday I only turned 45 degrees, this time it has to be 90 degrees. Didn't get what I mean? So do I. Anyway, there was this voice that keep telling me to consume just veggies and fruits. Meaning, I have to be a vegetarian. No meat, no sugar, nothing!
Oh, No!!!!!!!
Well, fat chance! I have to be cured and it has to start now!

Being a vegetarian is no joke. It takes lots of courage to do this, especially me who never like veggies and fruits. I started with being a half vegan. For fun I still drank Milo, Ovaltine but already off the ice cream. Wanted to cry when I had to say good-bye to ice cream. Is like leaving my diamonds behind! My last taste of ice cream was on Valentine's day. Not that I romantically ate ice cream with my boyfriend. Dream on, s'il te plait... It was on my niece's birthday party. The ice cream tasted so gooooooood that I started to think it was even better than having sex. Well, sex is always better than anything. Hehehe.. Pervert-menopause-bitch!
However, I can see the benefit of this already. I'm a bit leaner that I was in January. Actually, I've lost weight, just no too obvious. My boyfriend keep nagging me on my weight: "55 and that's enough, sayang! Keep on the same weight. Don't lose, don't gain too much" Man, sometimes I just want to choke him. Anyway, I feel that my body is healthier, my skin is glowing, and, if I'm looking at myself right, I have flat tummy (of course, the tummy tuck helps as well but visible appearance won't be too obvious until May).

I think I'm happy the way I am now. I really take care of me (Oh, yeah, you, too, sweety. You really take care of me. Even though sometimes your worry towards my health really gets on my fucking nerve, I know you mean good. Thank you, sayang!)
Really. He makes sure that I eat my vitamins, the oat brans, eat right, etc. My family is always there for me. My sister especially. My sister makes me feel like a normal healthy human being. I bet she's worry sick about my health, but in front of me she really treats me as a person.

Ah, well..

BTW, these are my troops in Singapore while I was at my lowest..


From left to right:
Ibu Lesna (or we usually call her: Mami), Ibu Annie (that's my mom at the back), Ibu Dedeq (we call her Mbak Dedeq, or we usually tease her as Ibu Bandar), Mas Nanang (a good friend who's always there for us, especially me. Or not..??)

Ivan (or Ipan as we always tease him. He's the one who make sure that I take my vits, eat right, home early, eat my brans, etc.) Talkative, but love him anyway (hey, that's all I got for now..!)

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New Year, New Verdict

Ugh.. dunno what to say anymore..

It's been a year since the New Year, and let me wish you all a good new year.. may all your wish come true (just like a birthday wish).

Anyway, what's your new year resolution (say, plan for the whole year)?
My plan was:
1. Start a family with godknowswhothefatheris.
2. Work better.

It's nice don't you think to start a new year with something that you can actually work on. Membuat suasana lebih bersemangat '45 bak melawan Kompeni.
Actually, I had a splendid New Year Party. Ada keluarga yang annoying, ada keluarga yang loveable, ada good friend yang udah kayak keluarga (it's fun to have you around, Adi! Taon depabn lagi ya kalo gue masih 'idup. Hehehehe)

For me.. this new year is like piece of shit that I need to fight and it's devastating.

Picture it, 2 January 2008, Blok A bagian jualan atribut pertukangan rumah. 10 AM-ish, my boyfriend, Ivan, called me from Singapore while I was asking things about car battery. Baru ngomong sebentar, dan tiba2: ZOOMP! Stomach cramp. I thought, I must've been eating like a goat that has not been fed for the past 2 years. Maklum, dari tanggal 21 December I was partying non-stop: Midodareni, my brother's birthday, Ijab Kabul, Reception, Christams Dinner, Christmas Lunch, my Birthday, cancer free celebration, New Year Eve, New Year brunch, New Year lunch, Cheese Nachos snack when Adi and I had when we watched Quickie Express (my cute brother had Pocky).. Mampus aja gak sih..??? Dikit dikit tapi membukit. Tapi while I had that cramp, I felt quilty a bit. I said to myself: Ya, Oroooooh... New Year's gift'nya mantep bener yak???
Jalanlah gue dari tempat beli aki, ke mobil. Akhirnya gue suruh supir gue yang nungguin, dan gue di mobil langsung telpon Ibu Bandar (my sister that is..) minta dianterin ke Medistra. She was panicked - hey, me, too! Untung jarak Blok-A ke Darmawangsa deket. Begitu supir masuk mobil, gue langsung minta dianterin ke rumah kakak gue toute de suite! Mana supir gue udah rada toku, nyupir juga 40 km/jam. Asli, gue udah gak tahan.

Sampe rumah kakak gue, my super cute nephew, Fox, menyambut gue dengan gembira alias minta jalan2. Biasalah, kalo gue sampe pasti dia nodong buat jalan2. Keliling komplek aja udah hepi joli dia. Jangankan keliling komplek, mobil gue keluarin garasi trus gue masukin garasi aja dia udah kesetanan. Yang penting sama tante'nya. But at that time, I just couldn't do anything. Face was pale as a cotton - atau tepatnya kayak orang abis liat pocong di depan mata. Kakak gue turun, dan langsung angkut gue ke Medistra. Kaki gue di mobil udah dipijitin sama nanny'nya ponakan gue. Fox bolak balik nanya gue "what happened, auntie Nina?", "Auntie Nina ouwie..?", "Auntie Nina ouwie, hospital, airport, Singapore..?" Sebenernya, what a relieve juga knowing when you just got hit with something and this little boy is next to you squeezing your hand. Kayaknya anak kecil aja ngerti that everything is going to be just fine.

Anyway, I couldn't do much in the car. I had breathing trouble as well just like when I had heartburn from eating 2 pans of Domino Pizza. I couldn't even answer Ivan's phone call, so I just gave my phone to my sister and let her tell him what's going on with me. He also couldn't believe it, just 15 minutes ago he called me and I was fine. Now, I was rushed to the hospital.

Lucunya, sampe di Medistra, the pain was slowly gone. Tinggal bekas sakitnya aja yang ada. Since I have a history of colon cancer, the doctor suggested me to have another CT Scan. I passed all the trouble of having the needle poked here and there, and I had to stay in the hospital for a day or two.

Ever since I was in the room, the put the sign PUASA for - according to them - monitor. Tapi udah sampe' malem tulisan PUASA tadi itu masih juga nempel. So, kepalaran lah si pasien Stephanie Widyani ini. Mulai gelisah nih.. Remote TV aja bisa gue makan. Akhirnya, jam 9-10'an gue boleh minum SETEGUK. Kampret! Tapi ya udahlah.. better than nothing. Akhirnya ditawarin makan juga sih, tapi gue cuma bisa makan yang lembut2 dan gue pilih oatmeal.
Selama puasa tadi, sebenernya kakak & oom gue udah dapet jawaban dari dokter regarding the new CT Scan. Kakak gue nan nekat mah bisa aja, kalo Medistra aja sih bisa diubek2 sama dia. And she told me that it's just from the food. Everything's going to be fine. From her eyes I could tell that she's lying. Dan setiap gue pelototin itu mata, mata dia gradually berubah jadi mata yang jujur. Damn it!
Akhirnya para pengunjung pasien si gile Stephanie pulang juga. Kamar udah kayak Casino. Maklum. New Year Spirit untuk berjudi masih nempel di pribadi pengunjung. Dasar Batak! Kagak tahan liat kartu dan duit nangkring. Give them beer or coffee jadilah Mickey Mouse Casino. Yang nemenin gue semalam: my handsome little brother. Suster2nya bolak balik aja ke kamar gue. Blagak aplusan lah.. ganti ini lah.. ngecek infus lah.. masa' gue jam 5 pagi dibangunin disuruh mandi juga biar mereka bisa lirik adek gue??? Ngebayang gak sih loooooo... Dalam hati gue: if only you all bitches knew.. Hehehehe..

Next morning, the doctor asked me to stay another day for further monitor. I was like: what..??? Do I really need to?
I was so eager to get out fo the hospital. My boyfriend even thought that the hospital was trying to make profit out of my sickness. Crap!
Jam 2'an, the doctor, my sister, and my brother in law came with the news. Adi had to get out from my room for awhile.
This is what the doctor told me:

"Okey. Tadi pagi waktu saya datang, saya bohong. Dari CT Scan yang paling baru, kita menemukan massa. Kita bisa predict kalau itu a new tumor growing tapi bukan di colon. Lokasinya ada dekat ovary. This has to be taken out immediately. Saran saya, karena dokter chemo kamu yang di singapore punya data lebih akurat, kamu ke singapore sekarang juga."

Ternyata, Ibu Bandar sudah bekerja secepat kilat. She actually found out the nite before and fax everything to my oncologist in Singapore.
I could get my butt out from the hospital and went home right after the doctor left.

So, we arrived in Spore on Friday by noon and went directly to the hospital (ya mampir hotel dulu lempar koper tanpa keluar dari taxi). Ivan was already in the hospital. Our appointment was at 1 PM.
Masuk ke ruang dokter (nunggu dulu sih.. diluar). The 3 of us sat there, dan dokternya mulai nanya "what's going on Stephanie?"
Hey, I wish I knew, dude. I gave a little flashback of what was going on. Kita bawa hasil CT Scan, dan dokter membandingkan dengan hasil CT Scan yang paling terakhir (October 29, 2007). Perbedaannya banyak sekali. Kita bolak balik nanya, does it have anything to do with activities, food, or what-so-ever? Jawabannya: TIDAK. Andaikata ada, ANDAIKATA, biasanya tumor tumbuh in 3 or more years. Tapi ini harus di remove as soon as possible.
In short, he was amazed. Nah, loh! Dokter aja bingung apalagi kita yak..?? Dan menurut dia, this is the first case in Singapore. Bloody.. what am I a famous sicko now??

Abis itu kita ke Colorectal Surgeon, atas saran dokter chemo gue. Dokternya ya agak2 culun, tapi jabatannya professor, bo! Head and Senior Consultant Division of Colorectal Surgery. Nothing can go wrong from the title. This time the doctor explained, in my opinion, very detail.

YES! The fucking tumor is on the ovary. Left side. Ganas apa tidak? Tidak tau. But this has to be removed ASAP.
Now, once he remove the tumor meaning he has to remove both ovaries. Which means I'll be in menopouse after the surgery, which means I CANNOT HAVE BABIES ANYMORE.
He gave me options of freezing my eggs so that I can use it in later time. In fact there'll be a doctor from Holland who.. ngapain ya dia..??? kok jadi lupa gini..? Gak bisa mikir tepatnya. Kalo gak salah dokter Holland ini punya metode baru untuk punya anak buat orang yang gak bisa punya anak lagi. Telurnya dipecah2, terus ntah diapain. Dokternya aja baru dateng besok (Tues., 8 Jan, '08) It's Singapore first break tghru - katanya. And this will be the first case in Singapore. Am I happy..?? 50-50. Tapi gue gak begitu mengharapkan banget. Let God decide. Say, gue pake juga akhirnya metode super canggih itu, tapi tetep aja kan gue gak tau hasilnya gimana. Buat mereka aja baru pertama kali, getoooh..

For all I know, I can't have babies anymore. Kandas sudah harapan untuk berkeluarga dan punya anak dari darah daging sendiri. Adoption is not an option for me, and don't you dare tell me that I can always adopt a baby. Berani2nya ngomong gitu, ovaries loe yang gue ambil and see how you go by that! Kalo loe cowok, titit loe yang gue potong. Hahahahaha..
At 30, I'm now slowing down of everything. Cari suami aja udah keburu males. Paling mentok gue dapet duda (again!) dengan anak 6 yang emaknya udah koit dan perlu emak baru.

Just like I told my boyfriend and my sister: at least now I can always cross out Pads and Pantyliners out of my grocery list, and can have sex without having to worry of getting pregnant and have a little bastard. Hehehehehe...

My period just ended yesterday. And that was the last menstruation I had in my life. As of Thursday, 10 Jan '08, after the surgery, I'll be experiencing what all 50-year old women experience: Menopause.

I'll be staying in Singapore for a month. Inggris gue bisa kacau begini caranya. This is my cell number in Singapore: +6594482822.
Cheer me up, send me lame jokes, we can even do video call..
I miss home already.. I want to be with my nephew and my super smart niece.. but I have to hold my tears back and be strong.

If I can beat that son-of-a-bitch called cancer, there's no reason for me to be unable to fight this satan.


Happy New Year, everybody.



Stephanie
Your crazy-nonstop talking-friend who cannot think straight anymore

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