Ugh.. dunno what to say anymore..
It's been a year since the New Year, and let me wish you all a good new year.. may all your wish come true (just like a birthday wish).
Anyway, what's your new year resolution (say, plan for the whole year)?
My plan was:
1. Start a family with godknowswhothefatheris.
2. Work better.
It's nice don't you think to start a new year with something that you can actually work on. Membuat suasana lebih bersemangat '45 bak melawan Kompeni.
Actually, I had a splendid New Year Party. Ada keluarga yang annoying, ada keluarga yang loveable, ada good friend yang udah kayak keluarga (it's fun to have you around, Adi! Taon depabn lagi ya kalo gue masih 'idup. Hehehehe)
For me.. this new year is like piece of shit that I need to fight and it's devastating.
Picture it, 2 January 2008, Blok A bagian jualan atribut pertukangan rumah. 10 AM-ish, my boyfriend, Ivan, called me from Singapore while I was asking things about car battery. Baru ngomong sebentar, dan tiba2: ZOOMP! Stomach cramp. I thought, I must've been eating like a goat that has not been fed for the past 2 years. Maklum, dari tanggal 21 December I was partying non-stop: Midodareni, my brother's birthday, Ijab Kabul, Reception, Christams Dinner, Christmas Lunch, my Birthday, cancer free celebration, New Year Eve, New Year brunch, New Year lunch, Cheese Nachos snack when Adi and I had when we watched Quickie Express (my cute brother had Pocky).. Mampus aja gak sih..??? Dikit dikit tapi membukit. Tapi while I had that cramp, I felt quilty a bit. I said to myself: Ya, Oroooooh... New Year's gift'nya mantep bener yak???
Jalanlah gue dari tempat beli aki, ke mobil. Akhirnya gue suruh supir gue yang nungguin, dan gue di mobil langsung telpon Ibu Bandar (my sister that is..) minta dianterin ke Medistra. She was panicked - hey, me, too! Untung jarak Blok-A ke Darmawangsa deket. Begitu supir masuk mobil, gue langsung minta dianterin ke rumah kakak gue toute de suite! Mana supir gue udah rada toku, nyupir juga 40 km/jam. Asli, gue udah gak tahan.
Sampe rumah kakak gue, my super cute nephew, Fox, menyambut gue dengan gembira alias minta jalan2. Biasalah, kalo gue sampe pasti dia nodong buat jalan2. Keliling komplek aja udah hepi joli dia. Jangankan keliling komplek, mobil gue keluarin garasi trus gue masukin garasi aja dia udah kesetanan. Yang penting sama tante'nya. But at that time, I just couldn't do anything. Face was pale as a cotton - atau tepatnya kayak orang abis liat pocong di depan mata. Kakak gue turun, dan langsung angkut gue ke Medistra. Kaki gue di mobil udah dipijitin sama nanny'nya ponakan gue. Fox bolak balik nanya gue "what happened, auntie Nina?", "Auntie Nina ouwie..?", "Auntie Nina ouwie, hospital, airport, Singapore..?" Sebenernya, what a relieve juga knowing when you just got hit with something and this little boy is next to you squeezing your hand. Kayaknya anak kecil aja ngerti that everything is going to be just fine.
Anyway, I couldn't do much in the car. I had breathing trouble as well just like when I had heartburn from eating 2 pans of Domino Pizza. I couldn't even answer Ivan's phone call, so I just gave my phone to my sister and let her tell him what's going on with me. He also couldn't believe it, just 15 minutes ago he called me and I was fine. Now, I was rushed to the hospital.
Lucunya, sampe di Medistra, the pain was slowly gone. Tinggal bekas sakitnya aja yang ada. Since I have a history of colon cancer, the doctor suggested me to have another CT Scan. I passed all the trouble of having the needle poked here and there, and I had to stay in the hospital for a day or two.
Ever since I was in the room, the put the sign PUASA for - according to them - monitor. Tapi udah sampe' malem tulisan PUASA tadi itu masih juga nempel. So, kepalaran lah si pasien Stephanie Widyani ini. Mulai gelisah nih.. Remote TV aja bisa gue makan. Akhirnya, jam 9-10'an gue boleh minum SETEGUK. Kampret! Tapi ya udahlah.. better than nothing. Akhirnya ditawarin makan juga sih, tapi gue cuma bisa makan yang lembut2 dan gue pilih oatmeal.
Selama puasa tadi, sebenernya kakak & oom gue udah dapet jawaban dari dokter regarding the new CT Scan. Kakak gue nan nekat mah bisa aja, kalo Medistra aja sih bisa diubek2 sama dia. And she told me that it's just from the food. Everything's going to be fine. From her eyes I could tell that she's lying. Dan setiap gue pelototin itu mata, mata dia gradually berubah jadi mata yang jujur. Damn it!
Akhirnya para pengunjung pasien si gile Stephanie pulang juga. Kamar udah kayak Casino. Maklum. New Year Spirit untuk berjudi masih nempel di pribadi pengunjung. Dasar Batak! Kagak tahan liat kartu dan duit nangkring. Give them beer or coffee jadilah Mickey Mouse Casino. Yang nemenin gue semalam: my handsome little brother. Suster2nya bolak balik aja ke kamar gue. Blagak aplusan lah.. ganti ini lah.. ngecek infus lah.. masa' gue jam 5 pagi dibangunin disuruh mandi juga biar mereka bisa lirik adek gue??? Ngebayang gak sih loooooo... Dalam hati gue: if only you all bitches knew.. Hehehehe..
Next morning, the doctor asked me to stay another day for further monitor. I was like: what..??? Do I really need to?
I was so eager to get out fo the hospital. My boyfriend even thought that the hospital was trying to make profit out of my sickness. Crap!
Jam 2'an, the doctor, my sister, and my brother in law came with the news. Adi had to get out from my room for awhile.
This is what the doctor told me:
"Okey. Tadi pagi waktu saya datang, saya bohong. Dari CT Scan yang paling baru, kita menemukan massa. Kita bisa predict kalau itu a new tumor growing tapi bukan di colon. Lokasinya ada dekat ovary. This has to be taken out immediately. Saran saya, karena dokter chemo kamu yang di singapore punya data lebih akurat, kamu ke singapore sekarang juga."
Ternyata, Ibu Bandar sudah bekerja secepat kilat. She actually found out the nite before and fax everything to my oncologist in Singapore.
I could get my butt out from the hospital and went home right after the doctor left.
So, we arrived in Spore on Friday by noon and went directly to the hospital (ya mampir hotel dulu lempar koper tanpa keluar dari taxi). Ivan was already in the hospital. Our appointment was at 1 PM.
Masuk ke ruang dokter (nunggu dulu sih.. diluar). The 3 of us sat there, dan dokternya mulai nanya "what's going on Stephanie?"
Hey, I wish I knew, dude. I gave a little flashback of what was going on. Kita bawa hasil CT Scan, dan dokter membandingkan dengan hasil CT Scan yang paling terakhir (October 29, 2007). Perbedaannya banyak sekali. Kita bolak balik nanya, does it have anything to do with activities, food, or what-so-ever? Jawabannya: TIDAK. Andaikata ada, ANDAIKATA, biasanya tumor tumbuh in 3 or more years. Tapi ini harus di remove as soon as possible.
In short, he was amazed. Nah, loh! Dokter aja bingung apalagi kita yak..?? Dan menurut dia, this is the first case in Singapore. Bloody.. what am I a famous sicko now??
Abis itu kita ke Colorectal Surgeon, atas saran dokter chemo gue. Dokternya ya agak2 culun, tapi jabatannya professor, bo! Head and Senior Consultant Division of Colorectal Surgery. Nothing can go wrong from the title. This time the doctor explained, in my opinion, very detail.
YES! The fucking tumor is on the ovary. Left side. Ganas apa tidak? Tidak tau. But this has to be removed ASAP.
Now, once he remove the tumor meaning he has to remove both ovaries. Which means I'll be in menopouse after the surgery, which means I CANNOT HAVE BABIES ANYMORE.
He gave me options of freezing my eggs so that I can use it in later time. In fact there'll be a doctor from Holland who.. ngapain ya dia..??? kok jadi lupa gini..? Gak bisa mikir tepatnya. Kalo gak salah dokter Holland ini punya metode baru untuk punya anak buat orang yang gak bisa punya anak lagi. Telurnya dipecah2, terus ntah diapain. Dokternya aja baru dateng besok (Tues., 8 Jan, '08) It's Singapore first break tghru - katanya. And this will be the first case in Singapore. Am I happy..?? 50-50. Tapi gue gak begitu mengharapkan banget. Let God decide. Say, gue pake juga akhirnya metode super canggih itu, tapi tetep aja kan gue gak tau hasilnya gimana. Buat mereka aja baru pertama kali, getoooh..
For all I know, I can't have babies anymore. Kandas sudah harapan untuk berkeluarga dan punya anak dari darah daging sendiri. Adoption is not an option for me, and don't you dare tell me that I can always adopt a baby. Berani2nya ngomong gitu, ovaries loe yang gue ambil and see how you go by that! Kalo loe cowok, titit loe yang gue potong. Hahahahaha..
At 30, I'm now slowing down of everything. Cari suami aja udah keburu males. Paling mentok gue dapet duda (again!) dengan anak 6 yang emaknya udah koit dan perlu emak baru.
Just like I told my boyfriend and my sister: at least now I can always cross out Pads and Pantyliners out of my grocery list, and can have sex without having to worry of getting pregnant and have a little bastard. Hehehehehe...
My period just ended yesterday. And that was the last menstruation I had in my life. As of Thursday, 10 Jan '08, after the surgery, I'll be experiencing what all 50-year old women experience: Menopause.
I'll be staying in Singapore for a month. Inggris gue bisa kacau begini caranya. This is my cell number in Singapore: +6594482822.
Cheer me up, send me lame jokes, we can even do video call..
I miss home already.. I want to be with my nephew and my super smart niece.. but I have to hold my tears back and be strong.
If I can beat that son-of-a-bitch called cancer, there's no reason for me to be unable to fight this satan.
Happy New Year, everybody.
Your crazy-nonstop talking-friend who cannot think straight anymore
Monday, January 7, 2008
Ugh.. dunno what to say anymore..