Saturday, February 16, 2008

That damn tumor!

Bloody tumor that was trying to kill me!

8 x 16 cm

Date of picture taken:
January 10, 2008

Picture taken by:
Uuuh... I think it was the surgeon

Estimated time of surgery:
4 to 5 hours

Actual time of surgery:
Less than 1 hour

Estimated hospitalization time:
2 weeks

Actual hospitalization time:
3 days

Name of people waiting outside the surgery room:
Ibu Dedeq, Ibu Lesna, Ibu Annie, and my darling, Ivan

My waiting troop
before I went to the Operation Theatre

Human Delivery fresh from the Operation Theatre

So.. what happened after that?

Well, the tumor was somewhere behind the right ovary. Luckily, it did not stick to the ovary.
What the docs did : they threw out my right ovary and the eggs from the right ovary. The left ovary is safe. Hallelujah! But to keep me safe - knowing I was so stressed out that I may not be able to bear any children - they keep the eggs from the left ovary. In short they freeze my eggs, and, yes, I'm on my menopause now.

So, how am I going to have children? There are 2 options.
First option: have my eggs planted on other woman's and have that woman pregnant with my eggs and my chosen man's sperm. It's like a surrogate mother. A bit complicated, but I think that's what they meant.
Second option: I could get pregnant again. How? I need to have these hormones injected first so that I can get my menstruation again. After I get my menstruation again, they'll insert my eggs back to me (I dunno how they're going to do it, but they say they can!), and I can get pregnant again. However, that can only happen if I don't take chemotherapy this year. If I take another set of chemotherapy this year, I will have to wait for 5 years in order to get pregnant. Why? Because my body would need 5 years to be clean - including clean from the chemotherapy drugs.
Doesn't really make any difference, huh? Even now I still have to wait for another 4 years to be able to get pregnant since my chemo drugs still flowing in my bloodstream. The effects are still with me: numb hands, feet feels like there are rocks inside, and easily get leg(s) cramp.

And the next plan is..??

I have no idea what's the next plan.. At first I was so eager to get another chemo and deal with bloody tumor as I was sooooooo afraid that there could be some itsy bitsy tumor still spreading here and there, but then I don't even give a shit. Not that I give up on my own life. I just don't want to deal with any more chemo. Imagine if I have to take another set. Another nausea.. another excuse.. bla.. bla.. bla.. mbeeeeek... I'm just sick of it and I'm sure that there's another way to get this shit out of me.
And guess what? THERE IS OTHER WAY OUT. Well, this one is not from my doc in Singapore, tho. The smart guy in S'pore said that I still need to take the chemo. 1 level higher than the one I took plus another so-called magic infusion called Avastin. Hell with it. My other way out is to change my lifestyle. Didn't I do that already..? Yes, I did. But this time I have to switch a little bit. If yesterday I only turned 45 degrees, this time it has to be 90 degrees. Didn't get what I mean? So do I. Anyway, there was this voice that keep telling me to consume just veggies and fruits. Meaning, I have to be a vegetarian. No meat, no sugar, nothing!
Oh, No!!!!!!!
Well, fat chance! I have to be cured and it has to start now!

Being a vegetarian is no joke. It takes lots of courage to do this, especially me who never like veggies and fruits. I started with being a half vegan. For fun I still drank Milo, Ovaltine but already off the ice cream. Wanted to cry when I had to say good-bye to ice cream. Is like leaving my diamonds behind! My last taste of ice cream was on Valentine's day. Not that I romantically ate ice cream with my boyfriend. Dream on, s'il te plait... It was on my niece's birthday party. The ice cream tasted so gooooooood that I started to think it was even better than having sex. Well, sex is always better than anything. Hehehe.. Pervert-menopause-bitch!
However, I can see the benefit of this already. I'm a bit leaner that I was in January. Actually, I've lost weight, just no too obvious. My boyfriend keep nagging me on my weight: "55 and that's enough, sayang! Keep on the same weight. Don't lose, don't gain too much" Man, sometimes I just want to choke him. Anyway, I feel that my body is healthier, my skin is glowing, and, if I'm looking at myself right, I have flat tummy (of course, the tummy tuck helps as well but visible appearance won't be too obvious until May).

I think I'm happy the way I am now. I really take care of me (Oh, yeah, you, too, sweety. You really take care of me. Even though sometimes your worry towards my health really gets on my fucking nerve, I know you mean good. Thank you, sayang!)
Really. He makes sure that I eat my vitamins, the oat brans, eat right, etc. My family is always there for me. My sister especially. My sister makes me feel like a normal healthy human being. I bet she's worry sick about my health, but in front of me she really treats me as a person.

Ah, well..

BTW, these are my troops in Singapore while I was at my lowest..

From left to right:
Ibu Lesna (or we usually call her: Mami), Ibu Annie (that's my mom at the back), Ibu Dedeq (we call her Mbak Dedeq, or we usually tease her as Ibu Bandar), Mas Nanang (a good friend who's always there for us, especially me. Or not..??)

Ivan (or Ipan as we always tease him. He's the one who make sure that I take my vits, eat right, home early, eat my brans, etc.) Talkative, but love him anyway (hey, that's all I got for now..!)

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